The Captivating Truth
As I mentioned earlier this week, I feel this God-nudge to share more here in what I believe is to be obedient in fulfilling the call on my life—to encourage audiences, mostly women, to find freedom through surrender. I believe that surrender comes from Christ. I’ll share a little bit of my story to explain why.
Growing up, we didn’t have a horrible background by a long shot. But, addiction was at play and it was long before the words rehab and enabler and all those terms were part of our vocabulary. I was old enough to figure out something wasn’t adding up, and protective enough to take matters into my own hands when I sensed trouble brewing. The praise is the addiction was paused by the time I entered high school, and that loved one passed away knowing we had a solid relationship full of forgiveness. I don’t take that for granted.
But as a child, I was full of fear and feeling less than. I remember my mom saying that in winter I would gain weight, but she never worried because each summer I played and swam it off. Until one year I didn’t. I suspect that timeframe lines up with when addiction was active and I was figuring things out.
It was a tough time.
Kids were cruel then, so I hate when I hear how kids treat each other now. For me, a critical moment came when we had to swim in gym class and a boy raised his hand. He pointed at me and asked the teacher if fat floats.
As a young teen, I remember hearing things like “this is your pretty day” as if I only had one, and “you’re the smart one,” which led me to believe I wasn’t attractive and should make choices only a smart girl would. My self esteem was so bad that by the time I started repeating the addictive behavior I vowed I never would, I was in college talking about Valentine’s Day. My friend was lamenting how much flowers cost for his girlfriend. Me? I declared I’d never ask for such things. I was so broken I said, “As long as he’s not beating me, it’s a good day.” I wanted to be loved so much, yet felt too worthless to believe for anything healthy.
Even when the weight wasn’t an issue, I still saw through that lens. I wasn’t brought up with God’s promises or the fact that He is my Heavenly Father with open arms, ready to receive and love me just as I am. My visual was that God’s arms were closed, shaking His head, constantly disappointed.
Even when I was invited to church and told about Jesus and His sacrifice on the cross that I received into my life, I wasn’t instantly changed. I was angry, broken, and my confidence was low. All those years, including my early ones in my relationship with Christ, I was chasing a broken circle, trying to fill a gap with food. Drink. Pursuing bad boys. Even healthier choices, like placing all my healing on the shoulders of my husband wasn’t working. I still felt so low that I made choices that would make my husband reject me, because I was certain one day he’d see the real me and want out. I gave him a lot of opportunities those first years.
If I had to choose one word that changed everything, it would be captivating. Captivating. I was in my 30’s, so my faith was more than a decade old. I read a book by Stasi Eldredge by the same name. Her background was much harder than mine, and her choices destructive. As she trusted Christ with her past, present and future, she was married and on a ship with her husband. He loved dolphins and was reveling at how God was loving on him, showing him all those dolphins. Stasi felt left out, and unworthy. She wondered where her dolphins were.
The ship docked, and she got off and visited a beach. She was lamenting to God, wondering why He wasn’t loving on her. She was looking down and saw a starfish. She thought, cool, I love starfish. She lifted her head and was taken aback.
The entire beach was filled with starfish.
That story changed my life. I demanded that God show me His love. I didn’t mean to be bossy about it, but I was desperate. I wanted to see myself as He did. I wanted to feel unconditionally loved. Even bolder, I asked that He do so in two weeks.
It took less than one.
(Tune in August 24 to read the rest! If you don’t want to miss it, you can subscribe on the right sidebar and have any new post delivered to your inbox.)
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One of my first writing victories was participating in the empowering book, Run Like a Girl. I share a bit of my childhood there. I love Kathy Vick’s writing, so it was a thrill to be included. Check it out!
