Vacation Revelation

Ah, vacation. The sun. The sand. The people. The traffic. The long lines. Wait. Why is this appealing?

That tends to be how fast my mind goes when it comes to vacation. I’m an introvert, and my home is a nice place for me to land. If anything, my ideal vacation is when everyone else leaves the house so I get alone time. It’s not normal, but that’s me.

Yet I knew this year I needed away. After a cruise to Hawaii to mirror our parent’s dream trip got canceled, we settled on meeting my sister and nephew half-way from our homes in Lancaster, PA, and then spending a few days in Ocean City, Maryland. On paper, sounds fantastic.

And for the most part, it was.

Our time in Lancaster started with the Sight and Sound theater to see Queen Esther. It was everything I was told, and more. Esther is my favorite book in the Bible aside from the gospels, and I cried watching it unfold in front of me. The stage was amazing. We sat up front and could hear the electronic ramp when it turned on, so we knew horses were able to gallop by. Doves flew. The music brought my husband and I to tears. The costumes were outstanding. That was a highlight and I’d go back in a minute.

Ocean City was tougher. The hotel room was gorgeous with bay views. The customer service was not friendly. The elevators were for the guests, the staff and their humongous carts, and guest dogs. I’m a dog lover but I would never take him with me to a tourist town. Not only am I anxious, Tucker is. And he’s not the only one. We heard one dog cry and scratch at the door for hours. It broke my heart. The dogs who vacationed were all shapes and sizes. There was one dog that was 140 pounds of fluff and dude took up the elevator. That’s just not my thing, so the elevator wait and cramming got old fast.

We did enjoy the ocean, shopping, I absolutely loved Assateague Island, putt-putt, and the boardwalk started nice. Then a storm blew in and decided to stay despite the forecast. No one was prepared. I was already sore and moving slower because of tension. A wet boardwalk with waterlogged shoes with no support was disaster. I froze. I could barely walk. It took grabbing the boardwalk wall with one hand and the back of benches with another to even move. It was awful. The pain stayed and by the time I returned home, my chiropractor adjusted my back, neck, and gave exercises for my strained knees and hamstrings.

Yikes.

It certainly wasn’t a vacation fail but honestly? I came home feeling like a failure. Even my husband suggested I “see someone” to talk about my fear. As he watched me walk, he noted it was as soon as I got fear. I’d walk fine, see something, stop, and start walking on my tip toes. That added pain to my back, knees, and hamstrings. Counseling is not something that flows from my husband’s mouth easily, so I knew it was time to do something.

I listen to The Office ladies podcast and they have a discount for listeners through Better Help. I checked it out and used the discount. Already I have worksheets and exercises that have helped a lot. I saw my chiropractor and am at about 95% at my normal walking. I went forward (actually backward) for prayer as a pastor mentioned knee and back problems. Although the prayer team was capable, a name kept coming to mind who was behind me. I barely reached her before I burst into tears. It wasn’t my knee and back that needed healing.

It was my broken heart and anxiety.

On the other side of vacation I am able to admit I’m not a vacation person. It is difficult for me. I don’t like to be rushed. I hate escalators and those weird moving sidewalks. I don’t like being crammed with strangers. But I do love being around my family. Watching sunsets. Trying new places to eat. Shopping for souvenirs.

I’m not done traveling this year. That’s hard because I want to be home and return to my schedule. But that’s where things are and they are family related trips. During prayer I received a huge revelation.

I live as if I have to bring my “A game” to every situation or I fail my family.

Julie ARduini

No wonder my body gave up. Who can survive under that kind of stress day in and day out, especially after some pro-longed trauma and grief?

What I find hilarious is I write with a surrender brand.

What do I need to do the most right now?

Surrender.

And that’s what I learned on vacation.