Saturday Confession: Loaves, Fishes, Questions and Kickers

Matthew 16:

At this they began to argue with each other because they hadn’t brought any bread. Jesus knew what they were saying, so he said, “You have so little faith! Why are you arguing with each other about having no bread? Don’t you understand even yet? Don’t you remember the 5,000 I fed with five loaves, and the baskets of leftovers you picked up? Or the 4,000 I fed with seven loaves, and the large baskets of leftovers you picked up?

Ever have a verse jump off the page and slap you?

Well, in a way, that happened to me this week.

If you are friends with me on Facebook, earlier this week I shared a “by the way” kind of note from our youngest child’s doctor. The year has already been full of doctor appointments, specialist consults and a lot of lab work. She’s leary and I can’t blame her. Through MyChart online messaging I received feedback on her latest lab work with the new diagnosis of Hashimoto’s.

It’s a term I’m familiar with and it was a question I even asked at the last appointment. But to read it in black and white, to know there’s a new word on her chart, it threw me.

And the internal chaos started.

• How is this going to affect her now?
• Through puberty?
• Through adulthood?
• Another health issue, Lord? Really?
• Is she going to be okay?
• She’s asking tough questions.
• The whole thing is breaking my heart and keeping me on my toes.
• Lord, I have some tough questions, too. For you.

And then I read Matthew 16.

At first, I was judging the disciples. I mean, c’mon. Jesus finished feeding 5000 (and that’s just the men, they didn’t count the women and kids) with five loaves of bread and fish. Not only that, but Jesus also inserts the fact that there was so much provision there were 12 baskets left over. And they are wondering, of all things, how they were going to make it when it came to bread?

Then, the kicker. Jesus makes it clear the whole point isn’t about bread or even yeast. It’s to be careful who to follow. Make sure you’re following the true Savior.

And while I’m being all judgy, the same boom comes down on me.

I’m asking a lot of questions for someone who has seen the Lord provide time and time again for this child and her health.

And I’m not fooling Him. Because this isn’t about her or her health or the newest diagnosis. Nope, I’m circling back to that same old struggle that even Eve fought and lost.

Is God enough?

Can He be trusted?

Can He really get the job done?

Ouch. I’m really wrestling with that? After everything He’s done? Healed? Provided? Rescued? Given?

Yep.

Does it feel good to admit that?

Nope.

But that’s what Saturday Confession is about.  I’m sharing an issue I haven’t mastered. I’m being real. Not to hang my dirty laundry, but to encourage you. If this is your struggle, you aren’t alone.

And He can be trusted.

Even when we whine and cry about the very thing He’s already taken care of.

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