Saturday Confession: So Freaking Hard

It’s been a long time. November was all about your thankful posts. They were so plentiful they kept coming in December, along with book reviews. I haven’t had to pen an original thought here in awhile!

So, it doesn’t surprise me I need to start the new year with a bang.

I mean, it’s not every day you see me write “freaking,” right?

It’s not a pretty word. Probably not a word you’d say in front of your pastor.

But I used it recently when talking  venting to Jesus.

I don’t wear masks anymore, and when I’m mad and hurting, I go there. I get it all out and then I confess and then ask, now what?

And that was my December.

The visual I have is when my parents went on a snowmobile ride and we decided to throw snowballs. I didn’t think I’d ever hit a target, we just thought it would be funny to try. So I threw a snowball at my mom, who was enjoying a snowmobile ride. And out of nowhere came that icy blast of round hardness.

That was my December.

Thing is, my snowball was something I specifically prayed about. As in, “Dear Lord, don’t allow this thing in our lives. In Jesus’ name. Amen.” Wrapped it up in an “Amen” bow.

And it still hit.

I couldn’t let that hit go. Because if that happened, what about everything else? That marriage I’ve been praying for. The breakthrough. The healings. Provision I’ve been believing for. I was so mad I wondered why am I even praying anymore? What good does it do?

And then there was the transition. The first Christmas without my mother-in-law. My husband’s dad was without his beloved for Christmas for the first time in 53 years. His dad is 86. It makes sense my husband would spend the bulk of his time there.

So, we drove separate cars. Although we saw him, it felt disjointed. And that’s after a season of heavy work and then time needed for the Christmas concert. Then a business trip. Then a cold.

I’m pretty independent and low maintenance. But it hit me. We’re apart more than we’re together.

And this is so freaking hard.

I promised that anytime I share a confession I would either be through it, or on my way there. So if you’re feeling the same, you can be encouraged. You’re not alone, and you will get through.

I am being authentic. I’ve laid it all out with God and now I’m following His lead. He gave me a song, and that’s giving me comfort. The verse for 2013 is the same for this year.

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10

I’m going to share my specific confessions to those He leads me to. I know the circumstances won’t change, but at least I’ll be able to move forward in His strength.

How about you? Ever feel this way?