Refreshing?

Last month I was able to visit a beach when the weather was less than ideal. The waters were choppy and the wind gusts weren’t romantic like you picture on a beach. It was the kind where my hair stood straight up and sand flew in my contacts.

While there, I watched the lifeguards train. One at a time, they dove head first into the big waves and navigated through it. The other lifeguards were making sure the rest of us didn’t try that. Our boundaries were closer to the shore where few could actually swim, but just meander in the waters.

Observing the lifeguard, nothing about the task looked fun. When he emerged, he had to swim hard to return to his original spot. The waters and wind were not in his favor. When he stood, he looked, as the saying goes, like a drowned rat. There was nothing refreshing about the scenario.

Which reminds me of a recent Sunday. I’ve been faclitating a Sunday School class for women. The study was I Give Up: The Secret Joy of Surrender by Laura Story. It’s a fantastic study and it’s been amazing watching the ladies grow as they trust God for that next step, even when they can’t see.

What’s not so amazing is hoping as the teacher that I’d have a leg up on the subject, if just being faciliator is enough. Then add that I’m an author with a surrender brand. C’mon, I should be a master delivering the material, right?

Ha.

A couple weeks ago I shared my very humbling experience where I realized I have a BIG area to surrender and I don’t like it. Not one bit.

See, I can tell you all about that lifeguard because I saw him. On the beach. Where I wasn’t supposed to be. I was supposed to be with my husband and daughter, in the park area, riding a surrey bike with them.

The humbling part is they left me. It was my choice, my advice. But it sure stung to watch them pedal away.

I huffed it to the beach, mad at their fun and mad at myself. See, my husband suggested our daughter drive the bike. She doesn’t drive. She has health issues that have her a bit behind her peers. Comprehension takes her a little longer, especially when it’s time for fast choices. To say I’ve dreaded her driving is an understatement. It’s not because I don’t trust her.

I don’t trust God.

I don’t because her health stuff wasn’t the plan. At least my plan. And she has been through STUFF. Stuff I couldn’t control. And the last couple years have been calm waters and I felt in control.

Then add to the mix that I have PTSD from a car accident when I was pregnant 20+ years ago. I flipped the car upside down. There are situations when I feel the car/vehicle is veering off that I absolutely fall apart. I don’t scream. I don’t swear. I gasp in such a way I’m bound to cause an accident.

It has been the one steady fight my husband and I have had nearly our entire marriage.

And to hear me gasp while our girl was steering this bike—Lake Erie feet away on our right, other bikers on the left, a crossing ahead with actual cars coming against this bike….I white knuckled the railing and just gasped and gasped.

I wanted control so bad. I couldn’t handle the scenarios flying through my head.

So when my husband reminded me I can’t gasp like that because it makes the driver suddenly unsafe, I hopped off.

I shared this story with the ladies in the class. We learned that surrender isn’t a one-and-done deal. It’s a process full of God’s grace and our setbacks. That was a setback for me. I didn’t know what an anxious person I was until a couple years ago. I didn’t know how much it interferes with a joyful life until I was alone on the beach.

Julie Arduini

One of the ladies told me I was refreshing because I’m transparent. Honestly, I felt as refreshing as that lifeguard looked. Soaked in my humiliation, dripping with regret, and out of breath because I keep fighting for something I never had, and never will. Control.

If that’s you, I hope you can stand tall and keep moving. Even if you’re making small steps forward in your surrender, that’s movement It’s progress! Don’t be afraid to lament—vent to God. His shoulders can handle your thoughts. He knows them anyway, might as well get right with Him and spill. When you see a trigger in the works, pray. I did not, and deep down I knew that bike ride was going to be a concern for me. Get an accountabiity partner of the same gender who can ask how you’re doing and what are you doing about it?

As rough as that lifeguard looked coming out of the water, he was doing it to help others. Make a difference. My transparency is refreshing because I can surrender my mess-ups and let God use them.

But I’m not ready for a surrey bike anytime soon.