The Gutted Pumpkin
In my last post, I shared that I am going through a season where I’m digging deep and looking inward for a healing at Christ’s leading. It’s been hard because I’ve had to confront feelings I didn’t know I had, or, stuffed them way down in hopes I never would.
I wrote about a broken ornament as a visual I saw when I prayed, and the comfort I’m drawing from that.
Another visual I want to share is the gutted pumpkin.
Like you, when the image came to mind during prayer, I questioned it. Why would I see a carved pumpkin in December?
God answered.
What He first showed me were the pumpkin guts. Who enjoys picking that mess up? It’s slimy and plain ugly.
I’m learning as I’m journaling my hurts that my mess is slimy and plain ugly. Some of my memories are gunky enough that I emotionally put a lock on that time and vowed I’d never open those painful times again.
I’m also coming to terms that Jesus loves me too much to leave me that way, that is, unless I choose to remain the same. (Come back the 23rd or subscribe to the posts to read on that one…) The pumpkin I see has hands digging deep, I mean deeeepppp and pulling out so much stuff.
I’m still journaling, I haven’t even yet taken what I’m learning and prayed that part out, but there are times I ache because the pain is that rich. Many writing projects of a personal level don’t take that long. This? I’ve had to write in increments because there is much coming up. Anger I didn’t even realize. Rejection that went layers and layers deeper than I thought that affect my choices today. Fight, Flight or Freeze? I clearly see I have been paralyzed by some moments that has left me beyond frozen.
They very thought of communicating in present time to a conflict or situation that even appears close to what froze me in the past, that’s terrifying. At one point the gutting was so raw I decided it was time to write out my final thoughts/my drop dead notes because I was certain my time on earth had to be coming to a close. I felt the wound was too overwhelming for me to find healing in this body, I must be heaven bound. And I was okay with that. Ready, even. Surrendering being frozen? Not ready.
But the answer to why the pumpkin, why the carving image in December? To me, that’s an October reference, but God isn’t bound by time. As I prayed and saw the hands go deep and pull out the crap, this little nugget came to mind.
“I’m doing this so your light can shine.”
I mean, it’s so simple it’s kind of laughable, except so much in my private time and this process has not been funny. It has been raw and scary, because I don’t know where this is going.
But faith and experience in faith has shown me it’s always for His good. And hearing that “gutting the pumpkin” is so my light can shine, how dare I fight that? I want to see God’s Kingdom advance and I want to be an active participant in making that happen. What was good enough last year faith and experience wise, well, He’s calling me deeper.
Maybe that’s what’s happening to you. I hate that you have pain. I do. I have seen the darkest parts of a forest experience and it nearly destroys. But, it does not. Do not give up. Let that gutting process continue. Know that the end game is a clearing in the forest where you live free in Christ with a brilliant light that will be a magnet for others hurting as you were.
It’s worth it. I really believe that.
