Another Important “Me, Too.”
With my own writing deadlines always right there, when something lately in the news grabs me, I dismiss sharing about it here because I’ve read another blog where their thoughts echoed mine and they said it so eloquently. This time, that “burn in my belly” isn’t going away, so I thought I’d share.
Last year the phrase “Me too” became a movement, and one that was long overdue. Although I can share a couple experiences where I felt “less than” in the company of males, thankfully I was not touched, and again, someone else blogged about it way better than I could.
Last week, I started seeing a trend bringing up another Me, too.
The battle against suicide.
Kate Spade’s death started the conversation. I read an excellent testimony from a favorite author who shared her struggle, despite her strong faith. The articles I read about Kate Spade alluded to the fact that she was offered help/was getting it/but she was worried about her brand.
That’s a real fear.
I don’t have a global company or a known name, but there was a time the world felt so crushing and bleak from my point of view that I was spiritually drowning. When I went to talk to someone, the counsel I was given was to repent. How dare I feel so negative against God’s blessings?
Folks, that wasn’t help. It led me straight to isolation where I was scared to share what was really going on.
Honestly, I was terrified I would be the one failure Christian who would destroy Christ’s brand.
Years later, I can be open because I have sought help, and I know the triggers.
My depression stemmed from hormonal imbalance. It took me decades to figure it out and have a doctor confirm it. It took me even longer to surrender the fear of what people would think about a Christian wife and mom taking a daily medication to offset that imbalance. In the years before I surrendered, at my darkest times I wept in silence because I felt less than a woman because of my *PCOS. I had great physical pain and the proclamation I would most likely not have children. I would hide upstairs away from my husband because I was so ashamed. After the one pastor had said, I have so many blessings. How dare I feel that way?
Isolating myself only accelerated the darkness. With no accountability, the thoughts increased and I was certain my husband was missing a real life with a real wife. That if I were gone, he could enjoy the life he was meant to have. He deserved wholeness he would never get from me. It was so hopeless that I remember walking to the medicine cabinet and searching for something, anything, that would end the pain.
I remember grabbing a suitcase and thinking if I could just leave and keep driving, that would help. If the brakes failed as I drove, that would be great.
I think the only thing that stopped me from moving forward with the thoughts was fear of God. I didn’t want to quit without knowing that was what He wanted for me. Over the years puzzle pieces came together. My pain came from ovaries 5 x the size of anyone else’s. Surgery corrected that. I was able to have children. Even after a miscarriage and a very dark year where I fought depression every hour of every day, I clung to Bible studies even in my obsession to learn the medical why behind the loss. The promises from the studies won over the darkness. Years later after I went into early menopause and talked to a new GYN, he suggested medicine for my hormones and the depression he knew I was fighting. I agreed and got my life back.
As I needed a hysterectomy where even more issues were discovered that I had not known about all those years that contributed to my pain, new menopause symptoms entered and threatened my peace. Depression took a backseat and anxiety was a new foe. This time around, I have a team of women who pray for my writing. I am transparent with them and know they cover me in prayer. I share with my family how I am doing. What helps. What doesn’t. What I’m doing. I keep up with medical appointments and follow-ups, and I’m honest. If I’m struggling, I don’t hold back.
Want the truth? I don’t get why God created me with different wiring that creates those feelings, but, BUT—-my depression and anxiety didn’t destroy Christ’s brand. I think they ENHANCED it.
As God healed my body and mind, I transformed into someone who hasn’t been afraid to speak the truth in love. I don’t wear an emotional mask and I don’t hide anymore. Transparency is something people think of when they think of me. Other words I’m defined by is strong. Faith. Prayer warrior. I believe the broken places I felt lost to ended up being a testimony God is using to help others.
I am so grateful that in my darkest moment, through those “warehouses” of tears that I am certain in heaven Jesus will give me a tour and explain them, I didn’t follow through. No one wins in a suicide. I knew that then, and I know it now. Families and friends never recover. There is so much devastation. Those are truths you will never hear in isolation. Those whispers will be all about you. I know. I’ve been there. The reality is there is so much more than you, even holed up and hidden out of fear and shame.
If you are or if you love someone who is hidden and isolated because of shame and dark feelings and their faith keeps them from seeking help, please be encouraged by my experience. Help is available. If you encounter a religious leader who condemns you, find someone else. Medicine might not be God’s answer for you, but if it is, don’t let fear of what others might think stop you from getting your life back.
I’m not a counselor, but if you want someone to cheer for you, please don’t hesitate to contact me at juliearduini@juliearduini.com.
Current Bible study I’m reading: In the Middle of the Mess by Sheila Walsh
*=polycystic ovarian syndrome
