Saturday Confession: Wait, I’d Like to Break Up With You

 

 

 

 

I’m not good at waiting.

I’ve told this story before, but it’s so me, it bears repeating.

When my husband and I were engaged, he lived a couple hours away. He was making plans to move to the city I was in, but it was two months away.

I held on.

But when two months became two weeks, the end of the tunnel wasn’t close enough, so I decided the wait was too much.

I tried to break up with him.

By email.

That he never received.

When he called me later that day, I asked why was he calling. Didn’t he get the email?

Nope. And when I said I was breaking up, the wait was too much, he refused the rejection.

“You’ve made it all this time. We’re almost there. You can wait two weeks more.”

And I’m like clockwork. Pregnancies. Move. Deadlines. New ventures. Whatever it is on the horizon, I go bonkers when it’s close, but not quite time.

I’m there again, and thing is, I think wait is going to be a major theme for my year. We’d like to move this year, but it isn’t time. I’m ready to announce to the world I’m published, but I can’t. All of this feels so close, but it isn’t there.

And to make matters worse, it’s like when I was an infertility patient. That thing you desire but you’re waiting on, seems like the entire world is enjoying what you’re waiting on. I think everyone was pregnant when I wanted to be, and that made the wait all the harder.

Seems like now people are moving. A lot of peers are receiving writing contracts. All of these, deservedly so. But the ache only grows inside me.

The good news is my husband has had nearly two decades to watch this unfold. A couple weeks ago I sat him down and said I don’t need answers, I just need to vent. And I listed things that were frustrating me. Things out of control. Things I have to wait on. Things that require faith.

He listened and said encouraging things that made sense. Nothing magic happened, I’m still waiting.

But it felt good to air my thoughts, as irrational as they are.

I’m really glad he never got that break-up email.

How about you? How are you at waiting? Are you waiting on anything now? Or, do you have another confession you’d like to share?