Marriage Monday: A Cautionary Tale

I’m happy to be able to participate in Marriage Monday. Today’s topic is all about romance. What’s your experience with romance in marriage? This tends to start off strong from the husband early on, but fades, often leading to disappointment.

I can’t say I have great advice for anyone. But I can share my story and maybe you can relate and not feel so alone. Or, perhaps you are a newlywed and can draw something from this post that will help you implement strategies to keep romance in place.

Ah, romance.

I still tear up watching Almanzo fall in love with Laura Ingalls and show such vulnerability on her 16th birthday on “Little House on the Prairie.” I warped my VHS tape of “Sixteen Candles” when Samantha walks out of the church and finds Jake waiting…for her. “Never Been Kissed” when Drew Barrymore’s character waits on that baseball diamond and he shows?

Be. Still. My. Heart.

I love romance. I’m even writing a contemporary romance. You would think my married life is full of rose petals and stolen kisses.

And that’s where I’ve had to set up realistic expectations. Because many of my favorite romantic moments came from great imaginations, writing, and acting. Cinema. Books. But marriage contains what entertainment doesn’t.

Clogged toilets. Laundry. Groceries. Paying bills.

Once the wedding presents have nicks and smudges, it’s normal for the romance that came from dating and those early married years to cool down. I didn’t think about this. After all, my husband even created a computer program chronicling his love for me. He wrote a poem for our first anniversary with a dozen roses. In my mind, he made “16 Candles” Jake Ryan seem like a romantic wannabe.

Fast forward. Two kids. His job demanded a lot of time. Active in ministry.

I went from receiving a poem to getting e-cards.

And for a season, even that disappeared.

I felt rejected, and that quickly turned to resentment. During those years I grew in the Lord and a lot of the baggage I brought to the marriage disappeared. I didn’t need a lot of romance, but I was hungry for anything that would help me see I was viewed as something more than the family secretary, bill payer, laundry master, and diaper changer.

My advice is if this is you, be realistic and understand romance has seasons, it ebbs and flows, but if it feels forgotten, don’t be resentful. Be communicative. One day I blurted how frustrated I was and that if anything happened to me, the only grief would be because he would wonder where dinner was. That got his attention and he stepped it up. But I should have spoken up sooner, and without volcanic anger spewing everywhere.

I also felt like romance was a tit-for-tat competition. If I wasn’t receiving romantic gestures, I didn’t think it was necessary to give them. It’s not a game. It’s a marriage and wives, as hard as it is, we have to initiate a lot of things. I think romance is one of those areas I have to initiate. I have to realize my gesture might not be returned.

But romance is about the heart, and I need to keep track of my heart motives.

Because when I’m operating with the right heart, there’s nothing more romantic.

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