Character Confession: The Blessed Infertility Patient Named Me
Tomorrow can range in several scenarios. I remember as a kid riding down a country road seeing a woman pushing a lawnmower. She looked hot and tired and what I remember the most was who was watching—a man I guessed to be her husband. As a child I thought why should she be doing that? Isn’t it Mother’s Day?
I also remember watching church services where moms were given hyacinths and carnations, books and Bibles to celebrate their motherhood. During some of those services I was single. Some of them I was married and a mom. But the ones that stand out most of all were the times I was infertile.
Maybe that’s you. I know there aren’t perfect words to give you because as well meaning as so many tried, nothing they said helped me forget a moment that I wanted to be a mom accepting the church gifts on Mother’s Day. I detest patronizing cliches and believe it or not, I’m not a fan of Bible verses thrown my way in those moments either. I know the Bible, I knew those verses and they felt like salt on the wound.
What I hope to give is my story. My story is just me, no one special, definitely not perfect. I couldn’t pay my way to a different circumstance. What I had that you can have is to believe God. No matter what your outcome is, believe God.
I learned in 1995 I had polycystic ovaries, PCOS. This is an endocrine disorder that can render infertility and this was something my doctor spent a lot of time sharing with me. The ironic thing was prior to that appointment, being a mom wasn’t a big goal on my list. Yet I’d recently met the man I knew was going to be my husband and the minute being a mom was taken off the screen, it was the one thing I wanted.
My case wasn’t typical. Beyond having irregular periods I had chronic pelvic pain. My newlywed days were spent going to work and then right to bed. It was hard and there were a lot of tears. My hormones flew all over the place so it was a difficult time. I was fairly new in faith so I felt punished by God.
Now I get I was blessed.
Yes, blessed.
I did all the things a confused infertility patient would do.
I obsessed online with all the groups, medical forums, trying to conceive loops, the whole shebang. The keyword here isn’t shebang, it is obsessed. I let those websites become my Bible and I took their words as promises. I cried when I saw families and I felt a heavy, heavy ache those church services that honored Mother’s Day.
If that’s you, you’re human. I’ve been there. What will make you blessed is to leave there. It’s a pity rut that is impossible on your own strength to dig out of.
Your story might not have the same variables as mine. If you’ve read anything of mine for a time you know I am a mom. I have two kids. Blessed? Absolutely. How did I get there?
Medically I had a wedge resection, a procedure not done much anymore that took half of each ovary out. Turns out my ovaries were five times the size of normal. Taking them out that way enhanced my chances to conceive when I thought in prayer when I surrendered my fertility it meant saying goodbye to any biological chance. I felt better immediately and I was pregnant in less than a year.
The blessing was He equipped me to believe Him. I’m not a gal who trusts anyone easily, especially my Heavenly Father. Yet surrendering the dream of my heart was the biggest thing I could give Him. I totally meant it when I told Him I was on His team no matter what. I know He desired to make me a mom and I am very grateful. What makes me blessed, I believe, is I would still love and trust Him even if He had not. Only God can put that kind of faith in someone like me.
By giving me impossible circumstances and the power for me to believe Him, He calls on me to believe big for others. I don’t always know the outcome, I rarely do. But time after time He’ll have me stand up and proclaim He’s faithful and that they can not just survive this thing, but thrive…in Jesus’ name. I’ve watched people become pregnant with God’s promises against all odds and what set them apart is they believed God…especially if it didn’t go the way they wanted.
That’s blessed.
Thank you for sharing this. I cry, even though as I read this I am holding my 9 week old son and my nearly 2 year old daughter sleeps in the room next to me, because once you feel the pain of infertility you never never forget it. I too became obsessed with becoming pregnant, but it wasn’t until I stopped thinking about myself and instead began to pray and focus on those that were already moms that I became pregnant. After my daughter the doctor told me my chances it another were very slim without more surgery. What he… Read more »
So true. The thing that spoke to me volumes was not just the infertility but how so many, me included, think life is about what we think we should have. We get a picture in our head of the way we think our life should look but we forget that our life is not in our hands but God’s and we need to seek his plan over our plan. Sounds so simple, but it is so difficult. It’s something I struggle with every day. I struggle as I look around and see the things and relationships that others have that… Read more »
Sarah, Your comment made me cry! You have a wonderful testimony and again proof that no matter what He chooses, you are blessed when you surrender and believe God. I really appreciate you reading and leaving a comment because I also can relate to having small children. I know you will enjoy a precious Mother’s Day!
I know if just your comment were on this page people would be blessed, there is so much wisdom in what you say, and I know in all our words, they come from experience whether we wanted them or not. Your sentence about your goal of heaven is what keeps me going many days. I’m so glad you stopped by and left a comment AND I’ll be calling you soon!