Marriage Monday: I’m the Mom, not the Friend. Yet.

It’s been too long since I’ve linked up to Marriage Monday. This is a twice a month meme and I love when it’s Marriage Monday time and I can participate. This time around children are on our minds and e-Mom has great writing prompts for you to consider for your own Marriage Monday blog post.

 

 

 

7 Writing Prompts

If you’re confused and don’t know where to begin, the following writing prompts might help you. Or, you can cover an entirely different aspect of child-rearing altogether.

1. Private, public, or homeschool?
2. Purpose of children in marriage
3. How to discipline children effectively
4. Raising sons versus raising daughters
5. Preventing prodigal children
6. Family fun & traditions
7. Children & divorce

Oh, the choices! I’d love to write about every single one of these. I will point you to this recent post because it’s proof positive that God can redeem all broken things, including children caught in a divorce. I’m still glowing at all the wonderful things I saw and encountered during my step-daughter’s wedding.

I think what I will blog about though, is #3. How to effectively discipline children. It’s a timely topic for me as I’m starting a monthly chat in October to encourage moms based on notes friends of mine kept taking as I talked to them about my parenting methods. I didn’t think what I do is news given I’m just implementing many things I was raised on. But that summer kitchen chat showed me moms are hungry for information, resources and affirmation.  Stay tuned so you know how to join me for that chat and how to tell others about it.

I think the biggest thing we need to discipline our kids with is grace. Don’t get me wrong, when I hear other kids tell their friends that “Mrs. Arduini doesn’t play”, that’s music to my ears. I don’t want kids to walk in fear but I do expect them to respect not just me, but themselves. And I love my kids and other kids enough to say something if I see that respect out of line.

But—I make sure my discipline is bathed in grace. For instance, I refuse to say things like “You are bad.” “I hate you.” or anything like that. I go out of my way to make sure they know I love them, but yes, I hate their CHOICES.  Big difference. I know too many kids who feel love from their parents comes from conditions. I do have expectations but I get that they won’t be met. They are going to goof up, and so am I. A lot. So when that happens I let them know I am always there to forgive. I will never stop loving. But all choices have consequences and I love them enough to see them through.

With my teen I walked him through a traffic light. We came up with green, yellow and red light scenarios he will most likely come up against in his adolescence.  I was clear that even if he willfully enters a red light situation and realizes he’s in over his head, that I still want him to call home. I don’t care where he is or what time, I promise I’ll get him. Every time. The next morning we’ll talk consequences. But it’s important that grace and unconditional love are at the top of my parenting list.

This sounds harsh but this old school mama…is not a friend. I am the mom. I tell the kids we can be friends when they are in their mid-twenties.  I love chatting with them. I enjoy taking them places and sharing a snack. But don’t mistake these fun things as me being their friend. As a parent I need to set boundaries and enforce them with love. Friends don’t have that kind of authority and I’ve seen too many families fall apart because the parent insisted on being a friend. One of the most telling articles I’ve ever read was an interview with Billy Ray Cyrus. He admitted his parenting mistakes and saw the biggest being a friend more than a father. Even my step-son when he was 15 understood. He said he knew when he came for a visit that we weren’t going to allow him to see certain shows or do certain things, but we did that because we cared and wanted boundaries for him. He got it. He’s 25 now and guess what, I consider him a friend.

Like I said, this is a timely topic because starting Tuesday, October 18 at 9PM EST, I plan to have a monthly chat for moms.  I’m calling it “Old School Mama” just because some of what I consider basic principles seem new to many moms. They are just recyled ideas I was raised on. Maybe they aren’t your cup of tea and that’s okay. I just want to get together and share because for too long, moms have been isolated. It’s time to join up and encourage each other. Our October topic will be “What do you do with your kids on October 31.” Again, my answer might be different than yours, and I’m not after a fight. Let’s have an hour of adult chat where we leave refreshed and ready to start over in the morning.

My room link is here. Sign in a few minutes before the chat and you are all set! I’ll see you there!

 

Disclaimer: The Cyrus interview I mentioned above was in GQ but the link would not come up. I tried to find another online story that matched the heart of the original interview. Perhaps if you Google the GQ article, it might come up for you.

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