Saturday Confession: My Relationship? It’s Complicated
If you’re on Facebook, you’ve seen the relationship status choice: It’s complicated.
Yeah, that’s me.
Not my marriage, but me.
And Jesus.
What makes it so frustrating is Jesus isn’t feeling any complications. He knows.
And I’m really having a hard time with that.
There are things I know about me that I finally receive.
- I’m an intercessor. I’m called to stand in the gap and pray.
- I’m a scribe. When He tells me to write, I do. I write what He tells me to write. Every time.
- I’m a vessel of surrender. When He asks me to do something, I’m on it. What used to take years to obey is now down to days. There is such freedom in that. But it is a lonely, crushing road.
- I believe God. He gifted me a mountain moving faith. If He’s asked me to believe for it, I do. Because, He is.
But I’m still human and within the above come complications. Whether it’s one of the above, I’m an introvert, it’s a Julie Arduini thing, I don’t know but I’m stuck in the cycle of I enjoy being alone and yet the loneliness of life at times is so harsh I wonder at times if I can stand under it a second longer. This year has been particularly tough.
Then there’s the prayer life. There are some prayers that are 20 years old and they are not only not answered, they are worse. I get people and their free will play a part but where is He in this? The fallout are death to promises and I fear death itself. How do I raise my hands in worship when I can’t come to terms with this?
There’s the mixture of the two. The loneliness of prayer. I used to long to be invited to a dance—any social event that featured the very people who remembered my number when it came to prayer. Then I realized I probably would stand in a corner and wish I were home. Now I wish people reached out and asked if they could pray for me or if I had any needs. There is a very, very small group that has done that this year and they have no idea how lifesaving that was to me at a critical time. But the ache and pain of people who ignore me until they have a prayer request, honestly, what can I do but go to the Source for this?
In full transparency, my attitude hasn’t been perfect. There are more times than not, especially this month, where I felt entitled. Because I did A, I deserve B. Well, that’s not true. There are so, so, so many things that are on hold in and around me. Picture a roller coaster taking those baby steps to the top. When does the fun part come? When do the answers and release come? That’s where my thoughts are at.
The good news is I fight this out for a bit and I’ll settle down and in time I’ll look back and see what He saw all along. I’ll confess my attitude and He’ll pat me on the shoulder and we’ll move forward together like we always do. The loneliness part, that I don’t know how that’s going to work.
For now, this is Saturday Confession and here I am telling you, it’s complicated.
